Mentalist Episode Tag: Strawberries and Cream
by Donnamour1969
Summary: Jane's thoughts immediately following the shocking finale. Do yourself a favor and don't read this until you've watched the finale! Major spoilers!  No copyright infringement intended.


A/N: Okay, now that the shock has worn off a little, I felt inspired to at least add a little something, so I chose to write about Jane's thoughts just after the final brilliant scene. I know theories abound, and I won't bother you with those here. I have no doubt that the show will come back and the unanswered questions we all have will eventually be answered. In the meantime, I hope you like this melancholy little piece…

**Episode Tag: Strawberries and Cream, Parts I and II**

He knew how he was _supposed _to feel. Relief. Happiness. Freedom. He didn't expect to feel so numb. Perhaps he was in shock, but his hands didn't shake as he set the gun Max Winter had given him on the table, or when he picked up his tea, or asked for the check.

He'd heard the screams of nearby patrons, fearful that he was a nut job on a killing spree. It was a logical reaction, he supposed. At least _they _were reacting as they were supposed to.

When the mall cops came, he knew he was caught, had expected nothing less. He quickly cooperated by putting his hands on the back of his head, just like he'd seen suspects do countless times over his years with the CBI. His mind had gone into neutral, slipped there automatically because he'd had plenty of time to plan how this would go. Fantasized about it, really. If flaying Red John hadn't been an option, shooting him would suffice. He'd be just as dead either way. Dead at _his_ hands, not some lucky cop's, not taken in for a fair trial like Lisbon had always insisted it should be.

All was going as he'd planned, but he couldn't get past the wall of numbness that would allow him to feel any kind of satisfaction. Maybe he was having an out-of-body experience, like when you are able to look at yourself performing actions as if you are a bystander. But he felt like he was in his body; the numbness didn't extend to his being unable to feel the uncomfortable chair he was sitting in, or taste his favorite tea (now the perfect drinking temperature). And his mind was still working, hadn't frozen up like one in shock.

He also wasn't dreaming. Nothing indicated the surreal quality of a dream. If he looked over, he knew he would see Red John's body on the tile floor, his blood pooling beneath him; but he didn't need to look to know what he had done. It wasn't like he needed a reality check or something. If anything, reality shone in through the skylights of the mall's food court, the harsh light of day literally surrounding him. No, this was no dream. In his dreams, the killing of Red John had a decidedly more liberating feeling.

And then it hit him, just as the cops brought him roughly to his feet, pulling his hands painfully behind him to slap on the handcuffs. Pain, he could still feel. It was relief and happiness he could not. He hadn't truly felt those emotions since the day he found his butchered family beneath that macabre symbol of happiness, warping his mind to its true meaning. Since then, anger and vengeance had acted in his body like reverse Novocain, numbing him against anything resembling joy, allowing him to feel only the pain instead.

Now the operation was over at last, the tumor precisely cut out, but the anesthesia hadn't worn off yet. Like a patient in the recovery room, it would take time. There would be residual pain. And Jane, fond of such apt metaphors, understood that once the numbness had faded, those long ago feelings of relief and happiness would come back to him, if he were strong enough to let them. But first, he had some healing to do. Then, maybe, he could finally be free.

A/N: I'm usually not one for long, introspective pieces with no dialogue, but this was the only thing I could think of to add to that shocker of a finale. I have no plans to continue the story from this point, because I know that once the new season begins, my story would no longer be relevant. But more power to those who take on that challenge—I look forward to reading other people's theories of what is to come.

I'll be taking a little break from writing for "The Mentalist" for awhile, going back to my first love, "Moonlight." If you like my writing, I would love for you to follow me to that fandom. If you haven't watched "Moonlight," you can find it at the video store, or Netflix it, or sometimes you can find it rerunning on the SyFy channel. It only lasted a season, but I thought it was a brilliant show, and have written about fifteen stories that continued the series, so you'd certainly have a lot more to read from me, lol. I am most proud of the work I've done to continue that show, and it has much more humor and romance, if you are in to that sort of thing. I did promise to continue my "Mentalist" tag for "Jolly Red Elf." I still intend to do that, perhaps later in the summer. Please look for me then. Thanks for reading this and my other "Mentalist" fics. You guys in this fandom totally rock!


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